I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
