i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
