You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
