I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
