I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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