why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
