You smell like stripper and shame
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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