So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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