Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
