she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
