Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
