Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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