hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
