you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
