he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
