There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
