Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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