Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
