I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
