you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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