I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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