I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
