Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
