i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
