i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
