What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
