I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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