Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
