a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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