I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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