Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
