Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
