You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
