I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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