Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
