how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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