No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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