I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
