I just pynch a tree in the face
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
