She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
ttyl tear gas
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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