I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
