Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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