I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
