Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
