so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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