someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
