walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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