...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
