there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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