cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
