My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
