Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
