I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
