I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Found the puke drawer
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
